Big Bird

About a year ago we decided we were sick of "squairing off" against the same old "lightweight" bands. But we knew if we wanted to play against heavier bands we would have to raise our total combined weight in a big way. Getting Big Bird in the band was a no brainer. With a head like a prize winning watermelon and hands like frozen turkeys, mike was the freakishly tall thug of our dreams. The day he joined the band our weight tripled. The first show he played with us, on the first beat of the first song, he kicked the bass drum off the stage and across the bar where it exploded in a shower of splinters against the back wall. And he was playing bass at the time. People would say "hey, that thug can't even play, he's nothing but a witless enforcer." To that Mike would quip something like, "Beeaargghhhhh!!!!" before smashing anything in reach with his picnic-ham-sized mitts. Now he develops real estate in Miami.